Back to the Start
by SeNedra
Summary: AU story, since The Lost Tribe probably. It takes place a few years after the last season. Jennifer Keller once left the Atlantis but now she is coming back. What has changed? And what is still the same? Ronon/Keller ship.
1. Chapter 1

This story was written years ago, but accidentaly never published. Today it is dedicated to Doctor and The Wild Man thread on GW for Intensions Day. The characters do not belong to me, I just borrowed them and played with them for a while. Thanks Misi for beating the story! Reviews appreciated :)

_Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles_

_till you_..._ Let go_.

_Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven,_

_and you throw yourself off._

_Now you're out there spinning..._

_In the deep…_

_(Bird York - In The Deep)_

Chapter 1

It was a warm afternoon. Ronon was staring out of the window and wasn't paying attention to Mr. Woolsey who was trying to inform them about all news in Atlantis. He didn't want to be at this briefing, but knew it was mandatory. He liked these calm days on Atlantis, when he was exploring the city or just sitting with Sheppard outside. He really didn't want to spend one of those rare days in the conference room. But Woolsey was very particular about that and Ronon couldn't remember the last time he had a free Friday afternoon.

Woolsey closed his notebook and looked around. Ronon realized with a slight amusement that he wasn't the only one who wasn't listening. It was two hours already so who would be surprised.

"As you all already know," Woolsey started. "Our new CMO, Doctor Filipe, is pregnant."

Ronon frowned. He hoped it would be over sooner. Why should he be listening about the personal lives of the others here? He glanced at John and saw the same bored expression. He even exchanged a look with Teyla who just shrugged. Well, even Woolsey couldn't hold them there for the whole day. At least he hoped so.

"She was here only for two months and now we had to find someone new for this position. I thought about some of our doctors here; they know the situation and they all are very capable, but unfortunately my suggestion was rejected."

"Do you know who they're sending?" John asked. "I'm afraid that their choices are still getting worse. I hope it won't be another boy with rich parents."

Woolsey looked at him. "I admit that Doctor Harrison wasn't a good pick, but Doctor Filipe is well qualified for the position. She could stay if she wanted, but she requested for the transfer yesterday. She wants be at home with her husband."

"Yeah, she hasn't seen him for two months," John chuckled. "How could they miss her delicate state or health?"

"Colonel Sheppard, please," Woolsey said, giving him a reproachful look.

"Sorry, sir."

"So, I tried to persuade them that we need someone who is able to do this job. I believe this time we are really getting the best doctor."

Woolsey took a deep breath. "Doctor Jennifer Keller has asked for her reassignment to Atlantis recently and I accepted the offer. She knows most of you, she knows Atlantis. And she was the one who started with the anti-feeding treatment."

Ronon swallowed. He wasn't sure if he heard correctly. Jennifer Keller left Atlantis two years ago with McKay and he knew they got married on the Earth. He hadn't seen her since then and he hoped he wouldn't have to see her again.

"And what about McKay?" John asked. "I thought he went back to Area 51."

"I did ask about Doctor McKay," Woolsey said. "The answer I got was that this transfer doesn't concern him. He is staying on the Earth."

John and Teyla exchanged a surprised look. Ronon didn't look at anyone. His mind was back to that day he found out that she and McKay had become a couple. He didn't want to know why McKay was not coming back. Actually, he would be more comfortable with McKay coming back. This was just wrong.

"I hope you all will welcome her back. I know that it wasn't easy when they left, and we had some disagreements, especially with doctor McKay, but you also know that she is a professional. Please, forget about the past. We still have important things to do." He looked at them and shook his had. "You can go now, that's all."

Ronon didn't move. He couldn't believe Jennifer was coming back. It was two years and he could come to terms with all that happened. He should have. She moved on and got married. Damned, she left the Atlantis cause of McKay.

He felt someone's hand on his shoulder. He looked at Teyla, who was watching him with worries in her eyes. "Are you ok?" She asked silently. Although she didn't know most of the story, she was very well aware of his loss when Jennifer left.

"Yeah," he said and got up. "Sorry, I have a report to finish." They both knew it was a lie.

He knew Teyla tried to be kind but he didn't need that. He needed no one. He just wanted to be alone and think. Two years. It was two years ago and he still could see her face in front of him. The sadness in her eyes when she was turning away from him the last time. Her beautiful, good smelling hair when he hugged her to say goodbye. Her smile. And now she was coming back.

He accepted that she chose Rodney. Although he didn't understand what she saw at him, he was ready to be her friend. He didn't blame her for that. He was avoiding her for a few weeks but finally they started to talk to each other again. He didn't stop to love her, but he was content with what he had. He was even able to get on with McKay quite well.

One day, McKay got the offer to go back to the Earth and work on some special project. Ronon didn't care about that a lot, but it must have been something really big, because Rodney didn't hesitate at all. He and Sheppard then had a big argument about it, but McKay didn't change his mind. Jennifer decided to go with him, although Ronon was sure she wasn't fond of it.

It was all understandable and acceptable. Till the last evening. He was now staring at his door just like the day before she left; it was like he was waiting for her to knock and come in again. He could see her opening the door uncertainly, obviously afraid of his reaction. He was surprised; she was the last person he would expect to come.

"Can I..." she started nervously.

"Come in," he said. He pointed at a chair at the window.

"Thank you." She looked at him with her magic eyes and he rather turned his head away. It was still dangerous to be with her alone. She sat on the chair and sighed. He sat on his bed, not very close to her. He needed some space.

"I came to say goodbye," she said.

He nodded. "Yeah, of course."

"Ronon, please," she said. This time he raised his head and looked at her firmly. She didn't look like someone who is happily in love heading for his new home. Not at all. He saw a lot of emotions in her eyes; the eyes were always betraying her.

"What," he said.

"I don't wanna talk about tomorrow," she said and bit her lip.

He was watching her, confused about her presence in his room. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I wanted to see you," she admitted. "I just need to know... Need to know that you are ok." He knew it wasn't just this. She wouldn't go to his quarters if she wanted to ask him about that. She could have done it many times before.

"I'm fine," he muttered. It didn't persuade even him.

"Well, I am not," she said, ignoring his words. "I am not fine with how this all ended. I never wanted to be mean. I just..."

"You don't have to say anything," he interrupted her. "I think you should go back. I am sure he is wondering where you are and it's getting late." He hated himself for using that tone. She was trying to be nice. She didn't realize how painful the whole situation was for him.

"I know," she said. They both knew too well ever since the time she started the relationship with Rodney, he didn't almost let her get out of his sight. She didn't go anywhere without him and he especially didn't want her to spend time with Ronon.

"Sorry," he apologized, starring at his hands. He really was sorry; she didn't deserve that from him.

"You're right. He is a bit... inquisitive."

"I have no right to judge him," he said. "I hope you both will be happy back at home."

She twitched. "This is my home."

Ronon snorted. "Not anymore."

"It is. Even if I leave, it will be." She looked at him again. "I'm sorry."

"That's ok," he repeated. He didn't want her to be sorry for him.

"You know that I will miss you, don't you?" she whispered.

"Well, you have McKay to cheer you up." He wanted to slap himself. He shouldn't be saying things like that. He should be happy for her because she had what she wanted. But that still didn't explain why she was sitting here with him.

"I was afraid," she said. "I still am."

"Why?" he asked.

"Ronon, you are so different, it could never... We could never... I don't understand you. It would never work."

He sucked a breath in. "Jennifer, don't." He had to cut her off.

"Please, listen to me. This time you must listen to me." She looked almost desperate, sitting there tightened and nervous, but also determined. He wasn't able to tell her no, like many times before. She had no notion of how much an influence she had on him. He would go everywhere if she asked him to. He would do anything. Now he returned her the look and nodded. She smiled so slightly that he almost missed it.

"Rodney is safe. He loves me. I needed to be loved by someone I can trust. By someone I can understand."

"That reason is as good as any else," he said, because she evidently expected some reaction from him.

"No, it's not. At first I was happy; I wanted to be happy. I can't say that I don't love him. But I am afraid that is not what I want at most, with all my heart. It should be that way and it's not. Am I stupid?"

"No." She could never be stupid. He just wished she chose someone else to talk about it.

"I thought Rodney is what I want. He is so smart and..."

"It's not me you should be telling that to. Tell him what you think."

"No, actually it is you who I want to talk to. Since the beginning."

He had no answer to that. Nothing has changed.

"I need to know what you think. I am so sorry, Ronon, so sorry. I wish I could just..."

She blinked, trying to repel the tears in her eyes, but she failed. His heart almost stopped. He didn't want her to cry. He could imagine that this moment must have been incredibly difficult for her. But he still didn't know what she expected from him.

"Jennifer, you're leaving tomorrow," he said. He wanted to remind that to himself as much as to her.

"I know. That's why I'm here today."

"You're leaving with McKay, What do you think I'm gonna say?"

"Something," she blurted. "I want you to say something. Why don't you try and stop me? Why don't you do anything?"

"You're leaving," he repeated for the third time.

She closed her eyes. "I haven't left yet," she said.

"Doesn't matter," he said and got up. She followed him immediately, watching him the whole time. When she touched his arm, he looked back at her.

"This is wrong," he said. It was and they both knew it. She should be with McKay right now; she should be packing or doing something similar. She shouldn't be gazing at him with her watery eyes.

"No," she refused. "Please."

He couldn't turn away. He had already lost the battle. He couldn't send her away. Really nothing changed. He knew it was a mistake. But when he kissed her, he wasn't thinking about the consequences. He forgot about McKay. He forgot about the next day. It was just now. She was there with him, in his arms, in his heart. For that moment she belonged to him.


	2. Chapter 2

_Sometimes, the last thing you want _

_comes in first,  
Sometimes, the first thing you want _

_never comes,  
And I know, the waiting is all _

_you can do,  
Sometimes..._

_**(Aqualung - Strange and Beautiful)**_

**Chapter 2**

When he woke up in the middle of the night, he thought it was just a dream. A beautiful, amazing, unbelievable dream that would disappear as soon as he opened his eyes. But she was lying there, curled up to him and she was very real. Her hair was all over the pillow and she looked lovely and peaceful. He knew she shouldn't be there. They both knew that, but he ignored that. She was with him and that mattered. They would solve the rest later. He put his arm around her and pulled her closer. She stirred a bit but didn't wake up. He closed his eyes and fell asleep again.

When he woke up for the second time, it was different. Jennifer wasn't there. It was weird; he was already missing her and he felt confused. He checked the time; it was still very early. Staring at the ceiling, he knew he should regret what he did but he couldn't. They had to talk. They both said too little the last night. There had been no time for talking.

He felt like an uncertain adolescent again. What if she hadn't changed her mind? Why did she leave his room without telling him at least good morning? Would she tell McKay what happened? Would she just pretend that nothing happened? How important was last night to her? He didn't have any answers. He could just hope that she wasn't going to do something hotheaded.

He dressed quickly and left his room. It was strange to be there alone. He was alone for so many years and now he didn't want to be anymore. The night before, Rodney was totally forgotten by both of them, like he never existed. They didn't care. Ronon was sure she wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with her. Last night it was simple but now in the morning everything seemed to be complicated.

He needed to see her. He was hurrying to her quarters, because he had a bad feeling. Something was wrong; he felt that. He knocked on her door, but heard no response. He took a breath and opened it. Her room was empty. All her personal stuff was gone; he saw just a few things she probably forgot there. She must have been packing in haste.

He didn't bother to close the door. He only knew he had to talk to her. That he needed to find her before she can do that huge mistake that she was obviously going to do. He had no idea what to tell her; he had no idea how to persuade her to stay. He was running through the corridors, ignoring the surprised faces around. He didn't care at all what other people thought, because that wasn't important.

When he got to the gate room, his heart was beating fast. He saw her standing there, talking to John and Woolsey. She hasn't left yet, he rested a little. She was still here. But when she turned her head to him, he knew what was happening. She was leaving. He saw it in her eyes, in her face. She looked at him and he could recognize the sadness and pain written in her eyes. With a huge effort he tried to hide his feelings but he wasn't sure if he was successful. Now he realized that he was hoping that last night would change everything. He was a fool.

She quickly said goodbye to John, while McKay was impatiently standing at the gate. Ronon didn't say a word. There was nothing left to say. His heart was shattering but there was nothing he could do. It wasn't his like him. If she still believed that she could be happy with McKay on the Earth, he wasn't going to hinder her.

She just gazed at him without a move. Ronon was aware of the others watching them but again, he didn't care. All he wanted was in front of him and couldn't have it. He couldn't have her. She made her choice. Last night was perfect but didn't change her mind about leaving Atlantis.

She made a few steps to him, but he wasn't going to make it easier for her. He wanted to run away, to hide somewhere, but despite everything it was impossible. She looked almost scared and he just couldn't turn away. It didn't matter what she did. He hugged her tightly, remembering the recent moments when she was lying next to him. That time she didn't want to move away from him. Now she did.

"Ronon," she whispered against his chest.

"What?" He asked silently, although there was nothing to ask about. He hated himself. He hated her. And he loved her. He didn't know that was possible. He had never experienced so many conflicting emotions at the same time. He was losing it again.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. Again. He was fed up with her being sorry. He didn't want her to be sorry. He wanted her to stay.

"I will never regret it," she added with a trembling voice. He felt his emotions overwhelming him and he quickly pulled away from her.

"Ronon," she repeated his name. He saw the tears in her eyes but he stayed silent. What was she expecting him to say anyway?

"Jennifer, can we go?" It was McKay. Of course. Ronon knew that the arrogant scientist was watching them suspiciously the whole time. He looked at him. Suddenly he felt an urge to hit him, to beat him up. Right now he would be able to kill him. That stupid man had no idea what treasure he had. He wasn't good enough for her.

Ronon knew Jennifer was still watching him and he couldn't stand it. He turned away and left the room. He ignored her calling his name again. He needed to get out of there. She hurt him more than he thought was possible. His heart was broken. It took him so long to recover from everything that happened on Sateda and now it was like he was back there. When he left the room, he swore he would never make the same mistake again.

That evening he got drunk. He never drank so much in his whole life. He didn't care what kind alcohol it was; he just knew it could make him forget for a while. He had to escape reality. He didn't want to talk to anyone and most of the Atlantis inhabitants were smart enough to recognize that.

It was John who came to the bar when it was almost closed. Ronon told him to go away and when John stayed, Ronon was ready to fight. He wasn't able to think and he didn't want to. He was working on the exact opposite. John realized that while he was lying on the floor and finally left the Satedan alone. After that incident no one else tried to get closer to him.

He didn't know how he managed to get up the next morning. He packed some things and left Atlantis for two weeks, without excuse or explanation. He needed to recover and he could only do that by himself. At first, it was impossible not to think of her. He still saw her face, he felt her hands. He had a feeling that he could just turn his head and she would be standing there. And the memories from that night were the strongest and most painful. Only time could help him.

That all happened two years ago. After her departure he tried to have some other relationships, because it was difficult to be alone again, but none of them lasted long. He wasn't able to fall in love again. She was too deep in his heart. After a few attempts he just gave it up. He needed almost a year to be able to get rid of most of the memories. He'd never forgotten but he was able to go on. Until now.

He tried to stay busy the next few days, because he didn't want to think about her. He didn't want to wonder why she was coming and her husband wasn't following her. He didn't want to think about how beautiful she looked and how deep her eyes were. The days were easy but nights were becoming more and more restless. The last night before the day she was due come, he didn't sleep at all.

He was afraid. He was afraid that he wouldn't be able to stop his feelings and protect himself. He could have kept telling himself that he cannot let her get closer to him, but he knew it would be extremely difficult. He hadn't gotten her out of his head for two years and she was in another galaxy married to someone else. Now she would be back here and alone. That was scaring him more than he wanted to admit. He never had been a coward. He wasn't afraid of danger or death, but he was frightened to see her again.

Time was hanging heavy that morning. When he was finally ready to go to the gate room, he wasn't sure if he wanted to be there. The others were already standing there when he came, because the team from Earth should have been coming every minute. He stopped behind John and Evan Lorne and leaned against the wall behind him.

"I would like to know what McKay is doing right now," John said. "You know what I mean, she is coming back alone. Problems in the paradise?"

"Who knows," Lorne noticed, smiling slightly.

"I can't understand why she could be with such a jerk. He just caused troubles and left. Not mentioning all the previous incidents and his behavior. I just don't get it."

Teyla, who was standing nearby, looked at him. "John, what happened is not her fault."

"I know," he said.

"It will be hard for her. Be nice."

"Yes, ma'am," he mumbled. Teyla just smiled.

Ronon wasn't paying attention. He was watching the gate. He didn't perceive what was happening around. Staring at the gate, he was waiting for her to come. And suddenly she was there.

She had changed. At first glance, she was still the same young, beautiful woman, but he saw the difference. He wasn't sure how to describe it. She looked sad and tired, despite the faint smile on her lips. He missed the familiar sparkles in her eyes. He was sure that she wasn't the same person as two years ago. Maybe the others didn't recognize it, but he did. He knew her too well.

Of course, he had changed too. The whole Atlantis had. Some people left and some new people came. The life here was calmer and safer than before. She would soon find out. He watched her while Woolsey was telling her something, obviously glad to see her again. Ronon remembered that their leader was very disappointed when she left the city.

Jennifer still looked a bit shy, uncertain how the others would react. Her eyes were traveling around; she wasn't paying much attention to Woolsey anymore. Ronon knew somehow that she was looking for him. He couldn't look away, but he didn't show any interest. He had no idea how to behave around her, what to say, what to do. But it was two long years ago and the situation was totally different now. She was still married; at least he hadn't heard otherwise.

Their eyes met. He smiled slightly. He didn't want to show anything. But she wasn't able to hide her emotions. She didn't smile; she was just gazing at him, lost in her thoughts. He didn't want to know what she was thinking. When she turned back to Woolsey, he left. He was sure he'd have many opportunities to talk to her; more then he wanted.

He was able to avoid her for the whole day. He went late to meals and spent most of his time in his room. When he headed back to his room after dinner, he almost ran into Teyla. She gave him a look and shook her head.

"Sorry," he said, ready to keep on going.

"Wait," she said.

He turned back to her. "What?"

"I haven't seen you since the morning."

"Maybe not," he agreed. He wasn't in a mood to talk to anyone.

"You cannot hide forever. We are going to the mission tomorrow."

He frowned. "I'll be there."

Teyla nodded. "Good."

She left him standing in the corridor. He watched her go. It wasn't her fault, but he had no need to talk to her. Of course he knew they had a mission the next day. Fortunately the doctor was not required this time. A simple exploration mission was something he had missed in the last weeks. They weren't going off world as often anymore.

Unfortunately, that night was the same as the previous one. When he finally fell asleep, it was almost morning and he felt more tired than when he went to bed. He hadn't even talked to her. He had no idea what to do. He knew that he would have to face her eventually. But not yet. He had to focus on the mission and his duties. He was glad he could go off world with Teyla and Sheppard once again. That was important now.


	3. Chapter 3

_You taught me how to love,_

_What it's of, what it's of._

_You never said too much,_

_but still you showed the way,_

_and so I knew from watching you._

_Nobody else could ever know_

_the part of me that can't let go…_

_**(Jude - Everything I Own)**_

**Chapter 3**

She was back. It was still hard to believe. She even got her old quarters. She looked around the place she used to call her home. When she got the opportunity to come back, she didn't hesitate. It felt so right. She was supposed to be here. Being on Atlantis was the biggest opportunity she ever had and she was grateful she could come back. She wondered why they chose her again. If it was up to her, she wouldn't choose herself.

Since she left Atlantis, her life has been just a mess, although it took her some time before she realized that. She was lying to herself; she was naive. She left the city because of a man she didn't even love. How stupid was that? Well, she was paying for her mistakes. She couldn't blame anyone else but herself. She didn't blame Rodney. It was her choice to follow him, to marry him. And it was her choice to leave him.

Divorced. The word chased her all the time. She hated it. It reminded her that she failed. She made too many bad decisions and all this crap was just a logical continuation. The problem wasn't the divorce itself. It was the marriage at first. It should have never happened. Many things shouldn't have happened. She should have never left.

She loved her life on Atlantis and despite that, she left. When Rodney told her his decision, he asked her to go with him. He truly wished that and she wanted to believe that she could live with him. That she could love him. That they could have their happily after ever. When the relationship started, she was quite happy. At least she thought she was. She believed that she just needed someone she can trust. She had been listening to her mind, not to her heart.

She shook her head. It hadn't exactly been that way. She was afraid. She had been hurt in the past and she was too afraid to experience that again. She wanted to protect herself. She was afraid to love without conditions. She convinced herself that this was what she really needed. But now it seemed quite ridiculous. Rodney wasn't the type of man she needed. Even if she did love him, it wouldn't have worked. And she didn't. She was so wrong, so stupid.

She took a breath. Now she was back. Did she have the right for a fresh start? She hoped that at least some of her friends from Atlantis were glad that she came back. Not everyone of course. Not Ronon. She shouldn't be surprised. She shouldn't be almost shocked by his careless look. He got over her. Of course he did. But he probably didn't forgive her just like she didn't forgive herself.

By her stupid decisions she hurt everyone involved. Him. Rodney. Herself. She never forgot about Ronon. It was impossible. She remembered everything. From the time they first met until the night that she sometimes wished to erase from her memory. She never felt so guilty. She spent a night with another man and what more, she didn't regret it. Right there and then she was able to throw the caution away. But she got scared. She ran away in the middle of the night. And then she left. She thought it was for good.

Life back on Earth was totally different from what she imagined. In spite of how much she tried, she wasn't happy. Rodney was working most of the time and she was glad actually. She was grateful that he was away and not with her. It was difficult to pretend and she sometimes found herself looking for excuses to not to be at home when he was. Later she almost couldn't stand him with his arrogance and selfishness.

Rodney didn't notice. He was so wrapped up in his job that he had no idea how she felt or what she wanted. That during the lonely nights she didn't wish to be with him. She was still, over and over, thinking of the last night on Atlantis. She was thinking about Ronon.

She didn't see it from the beginning, but her marriage was a disaster. To be honest she didn't want to see it. She refused to admit that she had been so wrong and was still trying her best. It was useless. She couldn't do that forever. She finally started to be honest to herself. She needed to finish that, but she had no idea how. Then her father got sick and she finally saw everything clearly.

Her husband wasn't there for her. He didn't even care. His job was the only important thing for him and he acted like she was invisible. He didn't tell her anything; he didn't try to help her. He didn't take her to the hospital. She actually needed her dad to be sick to realize that her marriage was already over. She had never felt so lonely. She was afraid for her father so much and she had to manage it all by herself.

One day she took all her courage, packed up her stuff and moved out of their big, empty house. She was desperate, but it has nothing to do with Rodney. She knew that the biggest mistake she did a long time ago. As much as she tried, she never erased Ronon from her heart. She wasn't able to do it before that night and after that it was even less possible. Now she wished she could turn back time. Do it differently. But that was just an unrealizable desire.

She found accommodations in a hotel next to the hospital and called her lawyer. She had no reason to postpone it anymore. Then she spent the rest of the evening just staring at the ceiling and thinking about her messed life. The ringing of her cell phone interrupted her thoughts. It must have been him. She sighed but she knew that sooner or later she had to talk to him. It wouldn't be fair to leave without a word. The message she left him wasn't enough.

"Yes," she answered the phone quietly.

"Jennifer, it's me. What happened? What the hell..."

"Rodney," she interrupted him. "You read my letter. I'm sorry but I'm leaving."

"No, you're not. Why? What happened?" He was obviously clueless.

"You know what. It isn't working. We cannot... It's over. You know that. It can't be a surprise. I told you many times what I wanted to change. You have never listened to me."

"I'm busy. I have my job. You knew that."

She closed her eyes. It was ridiculous. "Rodney, my father is ill. He could have died. You weren't here. You didn't care."

"Jennifer, you've got to understand. It was an emergency. I had to be in the lab."

"No, Rodney," she said angrily. "You should have been with me. I overlooked that for a long time. And all the other problems. But I can't go on anymore. It's over."

"Listen to me. You can't leave me. What would I do? You can't do that."

"What would you do?" She whispered. The man was incredible. "You think everything is about you."

"No, Jennifer," he tried to apologize. "I didn't mean it that way. I love you."

"I'm sorry. We should have never..." She swallowed. "Goodbye, Rodney."

She hung up, wiping the tears that appeared in her eyes. She wasn't crying because of him. She knew she wasn't. She was crying because of the past she left behind. Because she was afraid of the future. Because she was alone.

Rodney tried to contact her a few more times but he gave it up soon. When they met later, he was cold and sarcastic. She didn't blame him for that. She hurt him; it was all her fault. But she hurt herself as well. When the divorce suit was finally over, she felt helpless. Incapable.

She spent most of her time with her recovering father, working in a local hospital part-time. It took her three months before she was able to get through the worst of it. Her dad was healthy again and she was thinking about her future, when the possibility to come back to Atlantis showed up. She didn't even think. She knew it wouldn't happen twice. She applied for the job immediately and there she was. Back at home.

She knew it wouldn't be easy. Especially with Ronon. From the moment she entered the room, she had been looking for him. She needed to see him. She couldn't find him at first and she started to worry. But then she saw him and she had to make immense effort to hold her emotions back. But the way he looked at her… It was killing her inside.

Like many times before, their last sparring lesson came to mind. It was after she started dating McKay. It surprised her that Ronon was willing to continue with sparring after she told him she is interested in someone else. But that was Ronon.

She was never sure of his actions. Maybe it wasn't so difficult for him. How she could know when he was always looking careless, like he didn't care what was happening around him. But she was grateful. She liked the time they spent together and fight training was safe, because they couldn't talk most of the time.

The lesson was almost finishing when she decided to tell him what happened. What she was planning to do. She wasn't fully paying attention to the fight and he hit her into her shoulder slightly. She made a face because it hurt.

"You must still watch your opponent," he said. Then his look softened a bit. "Are you ok?"

"Of course I am," she said trying to look brave. "My fault."

"You are a doctor," he smiled.

"Good you noticed," she said. It sounded a bit ironic and that made him grin again.

She really didn't want to start with it, not now when they were finally able to joke around each other. But sooner or later he would have found out. And she wanted to be the one to tell him.

"Ronon," she said, unable to look directly at him. "I have to tell you something."

"Go on," he replied probably aware of that change in her tone.

She took a breath. "Rodney got an offer for a job back on Earth. He really wants to accept it. You know him. He finally has an opportunity to become famous."

"Yeah," he nodded. "But why are you telling me?"

"Because... Because I am going with him. Back to Earth." She glanced at him.

"It's up to you," he said after the moment. As always, she had no idea what he was thinking and it bothered her. She wanted him to show some interest. At least now.

"I know," she sighed. "I just can't stop wondering whether I am doing the right thing."

"It's a big change," he noted, looking at her with his dark eyes. She was aware that they shouldn't have this conversation, but she couldn't help herself.

"Do you think I'm crazy? It is soon and... I just wanna be sure."

"You can never be sure," he replied.

"You think that?" She hadn't meant it to be a question.

"Jennifer, we shouldn't be talking about that."

Just for a second she saw something in his eyes. He felt uncomfortable, that was understandable, but there was something more. It could be a glimpse of pain. She didn't know. But he was right. Talking about these things with him was the last thing she was supposed to do.

"I'm sorry," she apologized quietly and tried to smile, but she wasn't sure of the result.

"That's ok," he said, looking disinterested again. Maybe she was wrong.

"I just wanted you to know. I haven't told anyone else yet. I know this isn't the right time to leave, although there will be never a right time probably." She laughed shortly, trying to lighten the situation, but it didn't work.

"That's not my business," he said blandly. She twitched. She didn't want to hear that from him.

"Ronon." She was looking at him, because she had nothing more to say.

"You should go with him," he said suddenly. "If you love him, you should go."

He turned away. She was watching him, while he was leaving the room. She didn't say a word. She was angry with herself. Why did she even bring it up? It was ridiculous. Of course it wasn't his business. Well, she got his opinion. She should go. If she loved Rodney... But deep inside she already knew she didn't.

Now it was after the midnight but she still couldn't fall asleep. She was happy she was back but she was also scared. She wasn't thinking when she accepted the position. She longed to be back so much that she didn't consider all the consequences. She would be running into him. Every day. She wasn't sure if she was strong enough, but she couldn't do anything. It really wouldn't be easy.


	4. Chapter 4

All the words that I come up with

They're like gasoline on flames

There's no excuse, no explanation

Believe me if I could undo what I did wrong

I'd give away all that I own...

_(Chris Daughtry – Sorry)_

Chapter 4

The first days back were difficult, tiresome, exhausting. She had to get used to the hard and exhausting work again. Although she was really tired most of the time, she loved her job. She wasn't sure about the other aspects of staying here. Her old friends were nice to her and she couldn't say a word, but she knew that people were talking. About her and why she came back alone. She expected that, but it didn't mean she was taking it well.

Only Mr. Woolsey actually knew what exactly happened, because it was written in her papers. The others could only guess. She noticed how some of them got quiet every time she entered the dining room, probably unintentionally. She knew she should say something about that to make it clear but it was easier said than done.

Many things happened while she was away and she regretted she missed some of them. Teyla's son was growing up fast; fortunately he was very strong and healthy boy. Some of the doctors left the city and she didn't have an opportunity to say goodbye. A few months ago Major Lorne was promoted into the Lieutenant Colonel and of course, John was a full bird Colonel now. And Mr. Woolsey got a dog.

She was introduced to most of the new people but it was impossible to remember all the names. She usually spent the bit of her free time with Teyla and a woman from Lorne's team Tracy Parker. Tracy was the same age as her, friendly and nice. Jennifer was glad that she found someone she could call a friend. They talked about almost everything; she was just avoiding the topic of her departure, although she was sure Tracy longed to ask her about that.

Jennifer was very well aware of the gossip about her and she also knew she should explain that before Tracy got to a totally different version. So when her friend started with it, Jennifer saw no reason to lie. They were just spending one evening in a bar where Tracy almost pushed her there and they both were drinking a bit more than usual.

"Is it true?" Tracy asked, looking at her with expectation.

"What is true?" Jennifer asked back and laughed

Tracy breathed in. "Did you really leave with Dr McKay? I mean, you both were legends here when I came."

"Me a legend?" Jennifer pulled a face. "I don't think so."

Tracy grinned. "Trust me. So, is that true? Are you dating him? Or what? You tend to avoid talking about men. Don't think I didn't notice that"

Jennifer sighed. "I left with him. True. And no, I'm not dating him. Actually I married him. And divorced. That's the short version."

"Wow," Tracy blinked. "I think that's enough."

"Yeah." Jennifer agreed. "See, that is why I'm not talking about my love life. I just mess things up."

"It could be worse," Tracy smiled and put her empty glass on the bar.

"Maybe," Jennifer smiled back. "At least I'm back here. I love this place."

"It's amazing," Tracy agreed. "I can't believe I'm really here. The work is overwhelming sometimes but life here is special."

"I know," Jennifer said silently.

"Was it hard to leave?" Tracy asked and nodded to the bartender. Jennifer agreed that they should pay and leave.

"You can't imagine," she smiled bitterly. It was hard and she did it despite common sense.

"But you had a reason to leave. A man," Tracy reminded her.

"But as you can see, I'm back alone."

Tracy nodded. "I see. Ok, let's change gears. I'm afraid I'll have to get you much more drunk to get some information."

Jennifer smiled gratefully back. She had a feeling she said enough already. It was still an uncomfortable topic for her, but now it was behind her and she hoped she would be able to forgive herself. Now she had something else to cope with. The man she never forgot about.

Time was flying and although Atlantis wasn't under a direct threat of Wraiths now, there was still enough to do. Jennifer was getting caught up with the current research again and she was spending more and more time in her lab. She was ordered by Mr. Woolsey to take at least one day off but she got bored soon. The next day she started to work even more. It helped her forget about her unsatisfied personal life.

Tracy didn't ask her about the past anymore, but she obviously decided that Jennifer should be more around people and did everything to make sure that happened. She took her to the movies, sometimes to the bar or some kind of party. She knew most of the people very well and they liked her. Of course they did; she was funny and friendly. Just sometimes she looked sad and then Jennifer tried to cheer her up. Fortunately, it never took a lot of effort.

It was a nice Sunday morning when they were sitting in the dining room after the breakfast. Jennifer was thinking about some new laboratory results and didn't notice that Tracy was gesticulating to Teyla. Jennifer looked up and she saw Ronon, who was standing right next to her. Her heart jumped but she attempted to smile.

"Sit," Tracy told Ronon, without any idea how awkward it was for both of them. Ronon nodded and sat silently next to Jennifer, not looking her way. Teyla glanced at him, but her expression was unreadable.

"Teyla, how is your little one?" Tracy asked, ignoring the sudden silence around.

"He is fine, thanks. Growing too fast. It is still amazing me."

Tracy nodded in agreement. "Because it is amazing. I have two nieces at home. They are five already, but I still see them as little as they were when they were born."

Teyla and she went on with the conversation but Jennifer didn't listen. She had trouble focusing on anything. Ronon was sitting right next to her and that was making her insane. They hadn't talked to each other since she came back. Not a single word.

"Did you see John today?" Teyla asked her and she forced herself to get back to the reality.

"No. Why? Something happened?" She was a bit confused.

"He didn't look very good in the morning," Teyla said.

"Hangover," Ronon murmured. Jennifer turned to him, actually surprised that he said something.

"He was celebrating last night," Ronon explained. She smiled at him slightly.

"I am sure he can cope with it," she said.

Teyla laughed. "Yeah, these stupid Earth habits."

"Sometimes it helps to forget," Tracy said.

Jennifer glanced at Ronon. He was watching her silently, but looked away when she noticed that. She would give everything to read his mind right now. But breakfast was over and they all got up. Tracy was watching Ronon thoughtfully, while he and Teyla were leaving.

"He's incredibly talkative," Tracy made a face. Jennifer laughed.

"Have you ever heard him saying more than one sentence?"

"Not often," Jennifer admitted. "He just says what's necessary. Sometimes not even that."

Tracy gave her a look. "Do you know him well? I mean, are you friends?"

Jennifer didn't know how to answer that. Obviously, some information didn't spread. Most of the people two years ago knew that they were friends. Or not only friends. But he never showed emotions in public. And of course, no one knew what happened the last night. Just the two of them.

"Jenn?"

"Sorry," she smiled apologetically. "I was just thinking. Yeah, we were friends. He was teaching me to fight."

"I can imagine that," Tracy laughed. "He must be a good teacher. I'd let him teach me much more."

"Stop," Jennifer shook her head. It wasn't Tracy's fault, but the last thing she needed was to talk about him this way.

"What?" Tracy asked. "Did I say something?"

"No, sorry," Jennifer apologized. "I am just remembering old times."

"We're living in the now," Tracy reminded. "Stop thinking."

"It's not that easy."

"At least try. You think too much."

Jennifer smiled. Of course, Tracy wasn't the first person that told her that. She should stop living in memories; she was still young and had the rest of her life in front of her.

It had been exactly two months since she came back. She was keeping herself busy and wouldn't notice that, if Tracy hadn't reminded her. Now it was almost evening, she was preparing for the next day, but she wasn't going to leave yet. She knew that Colonel Sheppard should be coming back from the mission in any moment. She hoped she wouldn't have to do anything more than the basic medicals.

She sat at her computer finishing some reports, when John walked in, followed by an angry looking Ronon. "Doctor? We need your help."

"What's going on?" she asked. Of course, the first team of Atlantis needed her. It was an unwritten rule. But John seemed to be in a good mood, so she rested a little.

"Nothing serious," he grinned. "Hey, Ronon, come on."

Ronon muttered something and sat on the bed. He had a few ugly scars on his arms and a piece of some wood stuck in his right shoulder. She frowned. It looked quite painful, but it really didn't bother the Satedan, who was watching her, obviously wishing he was anywhere else but here.

"What happened?" she asked, while she was cleaning the wounds.

"It's quite funny," John started with a smile still on his lips. "Our big warrior fell into a trap. Literally." He laughed. "He's a tracker. And he was just going, not watching at all what was happening and fell down. Priceless."

"Sheppard," Ronon said with a warning. Jennifer couldn't help but smile a bit. Ronon glanced at her but quickly looked away.

"Sorry," John grinned. "Doctor, you should have been there."

"Maybe next time," she said and that made John laugh again.

She wasn't paying attention to him. She was focusing on her job. Or she was trying to focus, but it wasn't easy to treat Ronon. She had to touch him. She felt the same way that she ever did. She was grateful that John was there, even for his sometimes not very intelligent jokes. It was easier to think about something other than Ronon.

That night was even more difficult. She felt lonely and lost in this city full of people. Although she made a few new friends and she still loved her job, it wasn't like before. It could never be the same. But some things didn't change. For example, the way she felt about him. How difficult for her it was to touch him and not to say anything. Her feelings didn't change. And just like before, she had no idea what to do about it.

She didn't even tell him what happened between her and Rodney. Someone probably did it for her anyway. He must know by now. She wondered if she had a right to try. She had a chance two years ago and threw it away for a stupid reason. She tried to do the best and did the worst. She left him. The whole time she was still keeping a little chance in her heart. Maybe. But there was no maybe. She would have to talk to him some day. She knew she must. At least there is a chance they will be friends again.


End file.
